Nillionairediablo's Blog

Hello world!

nillionairediablo — Sat, 30 May 2009 13:01:15 +0000

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

It’s The Truth.

nillionairediablo — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:12:57 +0000

There are plenty of times I just want to give up… just cash it all in, give my stuff away, and just fade away from the world. And I doubt not too many would even miss me, maybe for a few months, then they would get over it. BUT, I always fight on. I’m not sure if it’s just my stubbornness or a hope that my life will get better, but either way, I keep breathing. Something in the universe won’t let me give up, so I have no choice but to keep trying.
My dad use to always say ‘better to die on your feet, than live on our knees….’.Some people never start. They say ‘I cannot do this…’ or make excuses why they would fail.I never give up. Even when broken and battered, tired and tattered, I reach down, and plan my next move. I firmly believe that one should make their decisions as though they are 90 years old, sitting in a rocking chair. Looking back, how would they feel about the decisions they face today, and what are the responses.I live that way.

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

I\’ve accomplished something, shown I\’m human. Shown I have emotions

nillionairediablo — Mon, 25 May 2009 01:37:45 +0000

src=\”http://nillionairediablo.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/1243240665-sc-762.jpg\”

Few days back,I was told, \”Big GIRLS don\’t cry\” -the song,you know.Well, I am a guy and I do cry.For other, Big boys don\’t cry. Only girls cry.You can\’t be macho and cry.Maybe it\’s a guy thing.There are so many stupid sayings drilled into males while still boys. The result? Tears held in. Emotions held in check. Friends, relatives, lovers, always wondering what guys are really feeling. Or maybe it\’s a stupid and silly thing to do. Dad never really showed much emotion. No tears, no hugs. Just handshakes, but that was just a playful way of saying \”God Bless and peace be with you.Ironically, I can\’t cry easily, either but sometimes I do and I do only cry if I\’m either so sad and hurt that I can\’t take it any more, or on \’normal\’ I\’m dry.
Mom cried. Mom hugged. Mom even occasionally kissed me. But that was Mom. I was supposed to be like Dad, right? Right? So now here I sit, far from that home and now I want to be emotionally more like Mom and less like Dad.When my heart being tugged by a plot or bunch of lies,I will feel a tear duct being moved. \”Come on, cry, damn it!\” part of me says, the part that knows it feels better to cry than not to cry sometimes. The part of my brain that wants me to let out my emotions rather than to just have that tear duct tease me week after week. But that freaking macho brain tissue screams “No, no, no, you can\’t cry,” you a guy.And so it goes.
Then there are days like when I saw a sappy movie and feel close to tears, can see and hear women on both sides of me bawling, and I feel almost apologetic for not crying myself. For more than an hour I would hear something particularly sad and the tear ducts would go jerk, jerk, jerk, but nothing happened. Men will scoff at this, I imagine. But I feel I\’ve accomplished something, shown I\’m human. Shown I have emotions. I have shown, perhaps, that I\’m not as emotionless as some men are.What I feel,Being able to express your emotions is better on your psyche and you live longer.
There are so many mean people in this world.I\’m sorry, but it\’s a bitter pill to swallow. I think,I shouldn\’t be more open and vulnerable about my feelings and not get bashed for it, by both men and women whom I know. A very depressing sign of the legacy we inherit as a culture when we teach men not to emote.Hang in there, I am not writing this for others to see my emotional vulnerability as extremely attractive!Oddly enough though, some times,my brain will get confused at the oddest times and let loose with tears in moments I normally wouldn\’t think of as tear worthy.Men are trained to repress most emotions, but not all. Angry, aggressive, and hateful outbursts have been allowed and often even encouraged as manly. So the extreme of being too emotionally expressive definitely exists, at least with some emotions.And, I am not ashamed of me being a emotionally expressive.
P.S : Big guys can be expressive with their emotion.

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

I find myself wondering in the rain.

nillionairediablo — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:54:11 +0000

In my life,I’ve felt that I can’t even break my own dreams because they’re being broken for me.But suddenly it’s all changing.I’ve never felt so self assured. She’s a cloud that hangs above my world,And I find myself wondering in the rain.But oh how all the seasons change and now I’m not that strong.And now I can’t go on cos’ I am lost,Living inside myself,Living inside this shell,Living outside your love,I am lost. Somewhere inside my own dreams,afraid of what life really means,Living without your love.I need a guiding light to shine on my darkest days.I was young, and time was on my side but like a fool I let it slip away and now those days are gone.And I am lost,somewhere inside my own dreams. OK..Let’s face it,I never actually intended to leave the security that my mind provides.
Well I sometimes do, sensitive as hell I am.But then I do have some lovely people near me to remind me that I am still worth more than a piece of shit! You are right,I am corn ball,more like a person who tries to be cool, but doesn’t see just how uncool he really is.A person who’s completely outdated; someone who tries to fit in somewhere, but just can’t.I can’t help ,that’s the way I am But then I do have some thing to cherish upon and to remind me that I am still worth more than a piece of shit!

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

Crumbled papers,full of thoughts about you,written with words.

nillionairediablo — Fri, 22 May 2009 16:19:17 +0000

It’s getting late and I can’t sleep,it’s all your fault for choosing me.I love you so bad,I don’t know what to do.I’m spending all my time missing you.You have given me a second chance in life.Sometime before you I couldn’t cop with the strife. You’ve given me that love and happiness I dreamed of forever.You’ve touched my heart so deeply with your smile and simplicity.To world I will never deny that I love you so much.Words can’t explain how thankful I am of you.You have brought my smiles to overcome my blues.I promise your heart won’t shatter or even break.My world has changed forever now that you are here.I miss you so much when you are not near.I’ve opened up my everything to you cos’ I trust you.The more comfortable I am with anything when I am with you.You have made my life complete from once an empty soul.You will always be the one who will stand out from the rest. I’ll never forget each memory that you made the best,forever in my heart with this love I’ll always keep.I’ll always have you in my heart even when I’m asleep.I Love you now and always will.Its just the way I’ll always feel.Somewhere within my heart,I know that we cant be together but I’ll wait for you forever.Eager to tell you personally,How I feel and wishing I could prove My love is real.I lie awake…picturing you in my head,wondering if your thinking of me too,cos’ I’m always missing you.

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

Her anger makes me scared.

nillionairediablo — Tue, 19 May 2009 17:16:16 +0000

I’ve become more conscious about all kinds of things concerning my feelings. Often I couldn’t even imagine anymore why she got so angry in the first place. Sometimes she stayed angry about things, again without being able to imagine why she stayed this mad.In beginning, I can’t really remember how I used to react with her anger. Sometimes,(twice as far as I remember)I got into fights with her in which I became so angry that even I could see that it was disproportional. The overall feeling during such fights was: I am right. I don’t make mistakes, so nothing needs to be admitted.
Sometimes,Her anger made me unreachable,made me feel I am a stranger to her, someone who didn’t mean anything to her, an outsider. I could look at her and it seemed as if she hated me, as if I was never known to her. I don’t know exactly how the anger comes to her But that’s how it is. For instance: She comes home and looks angry about the stuff at her work place. When I try to cheer her up or try to tickle her funny bone,She blames me of adding fire to her bad mood. because if it wasn’t for me she’d have a more adventurous job or a totally different job for which she wouldn’t have to stand in.Sometimes,in all cases of her anger is caused by me. Her anger makes me scared, because maybe she’s so angry that she’ll leave and then I’m lost. Any sign that could mean she is in bad mood or angry, scares me to death. But she is not allowed to see that.Seriously, I don’t know how to react when she is in bad mood but I do try my best to make her feel relaxed and calm(And, I always fails *CHUCKLES*).
I used to be short tempered person and use to argue with each and every one at home, at work. Most of time when I get angry it’s real anger. Because I’m angry about something an idiotic person said or did. I’m not saying it’s always justified anger, but it doesn’t need to be, it’s healthy. But it is real anger, not anger to hide fear.Since, I meet and started to talk with her..I hardly argue about anything anymore.Now,I am much more cool headed person and I can see the change in me.The only thing I fear and scared of is, her anger and mood swings.

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

Hot. Yes, it’s hot.

nillionairediablo — Sun, 17 May 2009 12:35:58 +0000

Summer’s arrived.It’s hot. Yes, it’s hot. Can’t stand it, just hate all that heat, all the time and every summer is getting hotter and I can’t stand it.When it’s as hot as it can get down in here, traveling, doing outdoor activities in any time of day is an exercise in misery.It’s extremely humid to go with the extreme heat – it’s even worse.Above all,summer means fleas, flies and ticks and more. I hate flies and I hate ticks, I’m not especially fond of fleas and don’t get me started on the mosquitoes If it wasn’t for the 3 months doing anything but what I feel like doing, I would die. Next summer, I’m going to go to live in some cold city. But as I can’t do anything about it now, I have to deal with it.
Summer time means sweating and I’m not thrilled with smelling like old shoes and sweat socks, not to mention that once I start sweating, it takes me a lot longer to cool down.I know, I said flies, fleas and mosquitoes earlier, but they bear repeating. Mosquitoes love me way too much and I like being outside during the twilight hours without being sticky in Off.It’s my least favorite season. Hot weather and blood-sucking bugs aren’t really my favorite combo.Wish it was December again.I don’t know what is so special about summer.Its much harder too sleep.In winter people always complain about getting sick but in summer people get heat stroke and I get head aches because of the heat and you have to wake up early which means people doesn’t get enough sleep.I never want to go out because I’m already brown enough.I was attacked by bees today.Twice! Little bastards.I hate summer.

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

I can’t stop thinking about you!

nillionairediablo — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:03:57 +0000

I am sitting here writing this story..but I can’t stop thinking about you.Your beautiful face smiling at me change my heart, mind and soul.I seem to be thinking about this special someone quite a lot during the day. She makes me feel special and appreciated even when she doesn’t stay in contact. Her smile and her attitude brightens my day and the thought of seeing her makes my heart race. I wish there was someway she could know how I feel.
She make me smile,when I feel like there’s nothing left.When I’m completely stressed and don’t know what to do and the whole world seems to be against me.She remind me of the good things. For these reasons, and so many more, I cant get you out of my head.You are a good human,great friend, an amazing person.I can’t rid myself of this feeling.You’re always with me,wherever I go, whatever I do. Honestly, everything reminds me of you. You are the wind in my sails. I can’t stop thinking about you. I try not to be clingy but with your warm heart and beautiful smile it is so hard to. I just want to hold you for days and not let go. I love you baby and thank you for being there for me through thick and thin. I know..I am Thick headed and on Thin ice.I Love You!

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

I want to live, feel alive.

nillionairediablo — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:19:34 +0000

I just needed a way to write what I was feeling at the moment. I’m okay.I hate to cry in front of someone and share them what I feel.When they ask I’m just saying “I’m fine don’t worry”. I just don’t know what to do anymore.Why did this have to happen to me? I feel like everything is just going so wrong.I think,I am stressed and I cannot take it anymore.I am just tired of not being heard.Well, it will go away.I need a break but I do not know how to do that. Everyone around me constantly give me shit.I think I’ve finally gotten to the point where I don’t measure my level of “success” according to what other people are doing or where they are in their lives.Everyone walks their own path. No two lives are alike. You can only do what is right for you not what everyone “expects” you to do.Damn,the problem is no one understand what I feel.Today was really bad when it comes to feeling like I need you.I want you so bad. I want your cuddles.
It’s hard for me to explain how I feel.I’m not a social person,out of choice.I go out in public, don’t get me wrong, but rarely. I stay indoors most of the time. I work indoors, I play games indoors. I’m not social.I have friends,a few,but friends nonetheless.I don’t get surprised by much anymore, happy, excited who cares about me.Everyone is busy for themselves.Well,why not..after all,it’s a damn selfish world.I do understand.I understand a lot of things, but do I really have to show it on my face? I understand that time change,things change,people change and change doesn’t wait for anyone.
I never used to be like this. I used to be fun loving or whatever kinda guy. Now,people around me,my family just thinks of me as the person who doesn’t like to feel scared or sad so I try to be happy all the time. I try. They don’t think I ever cry probably or if I did in front of them, they wouldn’t know what to do or say. That’s why I don’t..cry in front of them or anyone. I hate it.
I keep things, events in my head and let them stay as long as they like, as long as I can just pretend they aren’t there it’s OK. I’m just tired. I’m not depressed, I’m OK. I just want a change. A good change to hurry up already.
I have reached another fork in the road. Though I have an advantage. I know where each of the two roads lead. I just need to choose. I need to take action before it’s too late. I am running out of time. I can either get a life, or let life pass me by. I don’t want to feel dead. I want to feel alive. I want to experience love again. I want to live a realistic life rather than fantasy. I don’t want to daydream my life away.I wish to discover meaning in life.I wish there was some fairy god mother who would say,Hey you,you have to think for your self now it is getting to much. you have been a great and good son,friend for all your years and its time you have to start thinking of you .I just do not know how to do that. I wish I could do that.I want to be happy,I want to live, feel alive.I just want to be left alone, you know? I mean people are fine as long as you aren’t around them to long.

€£ Ð¡åß£Ø

For some people, life is a race.

nillionairediablo — Mon, 04 May 2009 11:54:37 +0000

For some people, life is a race. They do not come here to live. They come here to win. They know ‘winning is the only thing’. The charm of victory gives them the strength to sacrifice some most cherished things in life. They offer everything for their only aim in life – fulfill all goals.. and they still keep on running and running, because they have made their body, heart and soul believe that ‘winning is the only thing’. They do want companions, but only the ones, who do not bring them any distraction… and the ones, who can run alongside them with the same pace, because they have never known how to slower down their speed for the people, who are running with them… for them…You remain with them, till you can run with them…following their rules… in their pace…. and as soon as you try to implement your own rule or try to over run them… you are left alone on that track.They will dump you while you watch them…still running….and…moving ahead in there race of life.I guess,I left, behind from the winning race.